


Descent

by SilveryxDark



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Minor Character Death, Seasons 4 through 8, Spoilers for all seasons listed, Suicidal Thoughts, mention of Endverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-23 22:24:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/931759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilveryxDark/pseuds/SilveryxDark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel's thoughts on Dean and himself from the time he pulled him from Hell to after the fall of the angels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Descent

**Author's Note:**

> My first ever fanfiction for Destiel. Any feedback is appreciated and thank you for reading.

_I raised you from perdition_

The Righteous Man’s soul glows so brightly, unlike all the others. His is gold, among a vast sea of black fire. Castiel flies true, smiting any demons who dare oppose him, and then he envelops Dean Winchester’s beautiful soul, soothing the scars seared on it by hellfire, gripping his shoulder tightly.

Up he brings him, towards earth, carefully placing him back into his mortal body. Out of his Father’s creations, Dean Winchester is the most beautiful of them he has ever seen. He tries speaking to him when Dean arises, but much to his regret Dean cannot hear his true voice.

So be it, then, as he claims Jimmy Novak’s body as his vessel, setting out to see his fierce, glorious Righteous Man.

_Anna_

Castiel doesn’t understand the strange emotions in him, something of wanting and tugging and frustration, as he watches Dean kiss Anna. They share a moment of intimacy and unheeding of everyone else around them.

Castiel supposes he doesn’t count as a person. He yearns and cannot help but wonder what intimacy feels like. In his head, he briefly envisions himself in Anna’s position, and feels the first stirrings of envy.

He puts that away. He is a soldier. God’s own soldier and he will be _good_.

_Doubt_

Castiel finds that he adores humanity and their free will – and it is Dean Winchester he finds himself admiring most of all. He is a skilled hunter, a compassionate being, and ultimately a good man. Yet Dean does not see himself that way, and there are times that Cas wishes he could take his soul out for him to see and tell him how brightly he burns.

He has been a good soldier for many millennia, but he follows orders given by a Father he must admit he does not really know, while Dean follows those of his own heart and conscience. It is with Dean he finds himself doubting his orders and desiring to fight against them. He knows not what to choose, and prays for guidance.

No answer is forthcoming, and his doubt remains. There is only one thing that stands stronger, and it is his faith in the human he saved from hell. He decides that Dean is a man that he will always fight for, and smiles slightly as white light burns him into oblivion.

_The end_

This is not the Dean Winchester that Cas used to know, but it is still Dean – the Righteous Man, his soul burning brighter than anyone else’s (even if he has turned colder and harsher, his flame just a bit darker – but everyone else’s souls gutter in despair).

There is no other way for him. The angels all left and he has chosen to bind his fate to Dean’s. It would always have been this way.

Dean is crueller, now. Cas knows it in the way their bodies come together some nights, rough and perhaps impersonal to Dean (Cas knows no more, he cannot hear Dean’s prayers any more). Dean seeks - what? Cas does not know. But he chooses to submit, in soul and body.

Then the other Dean – the younger, kinder, _brighter_ Dean comes, and Cas feels an impossible hope. He is still fighting so hard, fighting the same fight and he prays that this other Dean will win his fight and that there is another future out there for them.

Dean – his cold, hard Dean - leads them onwards to a doomed charge. Cas smiles as Death approaches. At least, it is next to the man he loves, and mayhap there will be Heaven waiting for them.

_Conviction_

Castiel has rebelled – he’s killed two brothers, he’s angered another (an archangel, at that), and he’s lost some of his powers, cut off from the Heavenly Host. Still he is convinced that what he’s doing is right.

Dean’s got him convinced that fighting for free will is the most important thing, or at least, Cas has convinced himself that fighting for Dean is the most important thing. Strange that he has bonded with this singular human that he has known for perhaps a year, when he has killed siblings that he has known for countless millennia.

Stranger, that he hardly regrets it, and knows he would do the same in a heartbeat. Even if Dean is sometimes mocking and cruel, he convinces himself that yes, he will fight for him.

_Rebellion_

He defies his siblings, all of whom want the Apocalypse to happen. They do not care that humans will die. They see the Winchesters as only tools – important weapons at best, and care naught for their free will.

He believes in them, though.

Thus it’s pure betrayal when he realises Dean wants to give up and let Michael claim him. No, not his bright brother, eldest of them all - he will not abide him residing in the body of this human he gave up everything for (for what or who else, then?)

He feels guilty when he beats Dean to a pulp, too angry to care. Their faces are close and bodies flush, and there is anger at what he does not understand. But later for the Winchesters – for Dean most of all – he chooses to make his sacrifices.

_Normalcy_

Dean is happy. He leads a normal life with Lisa and Ben and he is happier than he has ever been since his days in Hell. He loves her and Ben, and he is painfully beautiful when he smiles.

Cas does not understand the strange twinge of distress he feels as he watches Dean kiss Lisa and ruffle Ben’s hair. But oh, the smile is worth it – worth a thousand, a million, infinite hurts. There is no way he can bring Dean into his war and ruin his now-perfect life. He would choose to die before he did it.

He turns to Crowley. The deal will be done.

_The Deal_

Dean is angry and Cas can only pretend that all is well, even if it is not. He must have faith in his own actions. Dean, however, only looks at him with a world of hurt in his eyes and Cas knows it is his fault. Always, it is his fault.

Let Dean hate him, then. Only - let him live. If there’s a chance of it, let him live and be happy once more. It is his fault that Dean’s life with Lisa and Ben was cut short, but if there’s a chance of him being happy again, then oh, let him have it.

He will stand for Dean’s hatred and enmity, if he’ll only live and be happy.

_Playing God_

Dean is angry and he fears him, and Castiel does not understand. He is a god now – kinder and better. He is all powerful and he can ensure Dean’s happiness. But no, dean fears and does not love him. What for, then, has he betrayed Dean’s trust and given up all that is dear to him?

There is strange anger and power in him, waiting to be wielded. Cas steels his resolves and squares his shoulders - he is God now. He gives in to the swirling tide of power and grasps it, leaving former friends behind, leaving the bright soul behind.

_Leviathan_

If he dies from this purging, then let the last thing he sees be Dean. No matter how much he apologises, however, he will never atone enough. But that image – that man – eternally fixed upon his mind, his very being, is the one he has done everything for. He prays to his absent Father that his death will at least do something to help pay for his sins.

It does not. He can only warn Dean once – and then trapped beneath the Leviathans’ souls, he can do almost nothing at all. And the horror and disbelief in Dean’s eyes is too much to bear. With the last of his control, he manages to go to the lake, and there he sinks.

_Emmanuel_

There is a voice in his head, sometimes. It is deep and filled with longing and it is no voice that he knows, not really – and yet it sounds strikingly familiar. This voice speaks to someone named “Cas”, sometimes uttering wishes for him to be there, sometimes merely telling him about his day.

Often he dreams of green eyes and sandy hair and something golden, and always, he wakes up near to tears, with a desperate longing in him that he does not comprehend. Daphne might touch his cheek and soothe him, but it doesn’t ease the terrible pain.

(And one day a man with green eyes and sandy hair and something golden in him turns up at his door, staring at him with tear-bright eyes and Emmanuel does not understand the pain and yearning in his heart.)

Then this man - Dean (he savours the name in his mind, and it is beautiful, he decides) - tells him that he is an angel. At first, he does not comprehend it. And then he lays his hand on one of the men outside the hospital – _demons_ , Dean tells him - and then - yes. It all comes back to him.

_Madness_

He wants to help Dean make him happy make him safe make sure nothing no one hurts him but he has hurt him he is the one who has hurt Dean no no no he does not want to hurt him any more so why is he still so angry why does he look at him that way full of pain and he knows that he has caused this pain and he wants to take it away and he’s sorry so so sorry.

(Dean is angry and tells him that no one cares that he is broken and Cas ignores the stabbing pain the hurt the desperation and longing please Dean forgive me please Dean look at me I swear I’ll try I’ll never hurt you again I am so sorry)

But Lucifer his darkest and most beautiful brother taunts him laughs at him (you love Dean but you know he hates you and would kill you if you weren’t useful) and he wants to scream to make it stop he cannot fight anymore but for Dean he will fight and be useful and die and he begs his Father to let him repent for all his sins.

_Purgatory_

The Leviathans are drawn to him from the beginning and he runs, away from Dean. He hunts them with merciless efficiency, keeping them away from Dean. The further he is from him, the safer he is. But sometimes he can’t help but sneak a little bit closer every once in a while, though, just to know how Dean is doing.

He hears the rumours, though. The monsters whisper of a man, looking for an angel, and they all fear him. And sometimes before he kills, the monsters truly see him and say, “You are the angel,” before Cas slices off their heads, disbelief frozen on their faces.

It’s sooner rather than later when Dean finds him (of course he does, the stupid stubborn man who will never listen) and Cas can only stare in shock - no, he thinks, the Leviathans will come and they will kill Dean. But oh, Dean smiles, a smile of pure joy such as Cas has never seen before, not even when he was with Lisa, and he holds him tight. The only thing Cas can do is to return it, hating himself for his weakness.

It kills him inside but he stays behind at the end. It is only right - returning to Earth with Dean will only cause more complications. Without a doubt he will hurt Dean again. He decides that he must do penance for all his sins against his family, his friends, and Dean, and lets him go.

_Control_

Naomi might force him to kill his sweet little brother Samandriel and to spy on the Winchesters for her, but the one thing she can never make him do is kill Dean. He might kill the illusions without hesitation after weeks of her training (even if at first he could do nothing but sob and hold the body after Naomi forced his hand) a thousand times, yes. But they were poor copies in the end, not bearing even the tiniest spark of the soul he loves.

When it comes down to it, he cannot deal the last, fatal blow. He beats Dean up but the he grasps the blade, staring at Dean, unable to destroy him. Dean looks at him pleadingly and says in perfect trust, “We need you. I need you.”

Cas drops the blade, breaking free of Naomi’s control. He cups Dean’s face and Dean flinches, fearing a killing blow even as he clings onto Cas’ arm (but how could he ever kill Dean?) He heals him, and Dean asks him what broke the connection.  _You_ , Cas wants to reply, but does not, feeling strangely afraid.

And then he flees with the tablet, whispering a thousand anguished apologies, for every illusion he’s murdered, and for every one of his crimes against Dean.

_Falling_

Dean is angry and it’s right that he should be. Still, Cas is desperate, trying to buy Dean’s favourite pie for him, hoping perhaps Dean will be a bit happier for it. Then there’s Metatron and foolishly, he trusts him, killing an innocent Nephilim and cutting out a sister’s bow. Again he puts his faith in family and again he is betrayed.

He sees his siblings fall from the sky, streaks of fire against the black sky. There is moisture running down his cheek and no longer does he feel strong. No, he feels empty and scared and alone - for no longer can he hear dean’s prayers in his head, prayers that he has come to take for granted. He can no longer hear that undercurrent of thoughts beneath his own, a source of comfort for him – and he is so afraid.

He desperately wants to die. He should die. He has lived too long (and now he is human and he is sure he will go to hell. There is no place in heaven for him after all he’s done).

He has fallen a little too far from Lebanon, Kansas, for his liking, and he makes it his mission to make his way to the bunker and see Dean again before he dies, at least. Yet, he cannot understand his human body and he is alone in learning like a human child - and at the same time he must avoid some of his more vengeful kin.

Inevitably, he encounters a few of them, and then after the third fight in two weeks he barely gets out of it alive, cut and bleeding and bruised. They are not truly fallen, no – they can yet smite and their superhuman strength remains. Their Graces have not truly been cut out of them after all.

When he reaches the bunker at last he is hungry and cold and dirty and hurt, even worse off than he was in Purgatory (he had his angelic strength, then, unlike now). He has to hold his hand against a bleeding wound against his other arm, and patches of blood mar his clothes. He manages a few weak knocks before Dean opens the door with a gun pointed at him. Dean growls, “Cas? You son of a -” and then Cas croaks out Dean’s name before he collapses (not against cold hard ground, but warm arms and a familiar scent like home).

_Free will_

Dean is surprisingly gentle and caring, at least more so than Cas thought he would be, though any measure of kindness is more than he deserves, he thinks. He dresses his wounds for him and helps him clean and feeds him well. Sam is still on the road to recovery, although he is, thankfully, doing better than expected.

Dean doesn’t talk much, though. When Cas is awake he sometimes sees Dean frowning at him before turning away, and then asking curtly if he’s feeling better. Cas assents that he is, before Dean nods and walks away. Perhaps Cas is not so welcome after all, and Dean is only being kind because he’s a good person and that’s what good people do.

So on the third day of recovery in the bunker, he tells Dean that he plans to go. Dean’s green eyes, at first relatively warm, suddenly turn hot and flinty as he growls out a protest at the words.

Cas smiles bitterly and reminds Dean that he is useless now and naught but a burden, unused to his human form. Dean asks him where he would go and Cas bites his lip, trying to strengthen the resolve to tell him.

“Hell, most likely,” he whispers, and reaches for the sword on the table.

Dean takes his meaning, eyes widening - and unexpectedly, in one swift move he grasps Cas’s wrist, stopping him, and in another he holds him against his own body. Again he says those words – “I need you.”

Cas does not understand at all. How can Dean need him when he is well and truly useless now? Dean looks at him in the eye and tells him, voice weary, that he needs him as he is, that he needs his best friend and declares that he does not care for power, only him.

Cas doesn’t say anything for a while, and then he admits that he needs him, too, giving in to human weakness. Dean continues holding him and he feels his lips against his forehead, curving into a smile. That is enough to convince him that living is worth it, after all.


End file.
